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  • Becoming Big

    - November 25, 2019 - 

    Last weekend I hit the end of my rope. It was a bad weekend. Full of anger, yelling, and disconnection. But the aftermath has been full of grace. 

    I reached out to my peers, explaining some difficult circumstances with my oldest son. I love him to death, but we often butt heads. He’s four and a half years old, and has some unique difficulties about him. He’s a more sensitive kid and his body can often get to a place where it’s uncontrollable. When he gets like this, he gets really big, powerful, and defiant. In his mind, he becomes scary. 

    A lot of the time this behavior pushes all of my buttons, and I respond by getting bigger, more powerful, more defiant, scarier and angrier. I’ve learned theres no worse feeling in the world then when I respond to him in a way that sends him off to his room, hiding in his closest, crying. Oh the shame. 

    But I got a call last week from someone who has walked these similar roads before. He provided me insight that pointed me to things beyond. He told me that my son thinks he’s big and scary. And he is a BIG kid - he wears 7 year old clothes at the age of 4. But Micah believes he’s bigger then me, and that terrifies him. He believes he’s big enough to break me down, and that scares him. He believes he’s big enough to tear me and Meggie apart, and that worries him. He believes he’s much bigger then he really is. 

    So the advice I received was to continually meet him at his bigness, and tell him, “Micah, you are a big kid, but know what is bigger then you? My love for you. You can’t break it down… Micah, you are a big kid, but you know what? You’re not big enough to break mommy and I apart… Micah, you are a big kid, but do you know who is bigger? I am. And God has put me in your life to use my bigness to protect you and provide for you and love you and care for you… Micah, you are big. But you’re not as big as you think, don’t worry.” As I tell him the truth, I will begin to watch him calm down. I will witness the comfort swarm over him body like a hot bath to cold skin. 

    His bigness terrifies him, because he knows the world is a scary place, and he’s afraid he can mess everything up. But he can’t. 

    We live in a world that tells us to be big. We put all of our blood, sweat and tears into becoming big. We want people to notice us. We want to feel like we’re in control of our destiny. We are unsure of the future, but we believe we have immortal capabilities, thinking we’re big enough to handle it. And because of this, we are anxious, stressed, and terrified. Why? Because we are playing a role that we can’t play. We aren’t big enough to take on this scary world, and that can be a good thing. 

    When we think about what it means to worship God, part of it is putting our mortal, “but-dust” lives, back into it’s proper place. We don’t use God to make us bigger and more powerful, but we look to God in a small and humble way, and take comfort that He is big and powerful. We are not big enough to break down His love for us. We are not big enough to break Him apart. We are not big enough to ruin His plans for us. Therefore worship is an act of putting ourselves under His Fatherly care, and hearing His reminder that He is in our life to protect us, and provide for us, guide us, and care for us. And that’s a good thing. 

    I’ve learned that when I respond to Micah’s bigness and anger with becoming small and weak, it calms him down. Because becoming small and weak is an act of handling his fear. Becoming small and weak is an action that says “you can’t break me down. I’ll still be here.” To respond to his bigness and anger with my own bigness and anger would be communicating to him, “I can’t control your bigness. You are too big for me. You control me.” It would meet him in his fear and make him more afraid. But responding calmly, says, “I see your bigness and anger, and I can handle it.” 

    When the Creator and Sustainer of this World became flesh, He became weak and small. He met us with our bigness and anger and took it. And this is love. This is turning the cheek, watching the anger dissipate when we realize it doesn’t affect him. This is perfect love. And perfect love casts out all fear. This is responding to our bigness and saying, I am bigger. You can trust me. 

    So let us be worshippers who are reminded daily of His bigness and power. That He is unmovable. He is who He will always be. That’s His Name, Yahweh (I am who I will always be). We cannot break His love for us. We are not big enough to mess up HIs plans for us. He is for us and with us. Not against us. 

    - Caleb